We don't talk anymore
We don't fight
We swung 'round in orbit
In the cold
In the dark

Suicide
Suicide
I couldn't take anymore

It wasn't the violence
But the cold that bit so deeply

We don't talk anymore
And I'm glad

I'm in a better place
And it has been a long time
The scars that burned so deeply
Will never fully heal

The zombie anger and resentment
Lurches through my mind
I can't bury it
So I vomit it on paper
In bile I say goodbye

We don't talk anymore
File under miscellaneous

a song of freedom
wakes up the morning with 'yes,
here I am,' it floats
in the air, bold and fragile,
'this is my territory'

its heart flutters and
beats - in the wild, survival,
is to sing for home
(just a small urban corner),
it is to sing for love

tick, tick the countdown
US election day looms
anxiety - hope

my brain spins and spins
with thoughts of you. I'm lonely
and obsessed and blue,
but must drop the pretense of
us being together.
The summer sun will climb
in the sky again
but now the year
falls to winter.
I am cold and in the dark,
enclosed.
I must walk in the autumn sun.
I must shower and shave.
I must move through life
as if animated by a spark.

True anomaly at Epoch -
I spin in orbit
locked.

The corn in the sunlight
shivers before the harvest,
as the wheel of the year turns.
We eat the bread.
We drink the wine.
The year is reborn.
The sun returns.
We endure winters.
We work and we sleep.

The landscape is stubble
shaved by the Reaper.
In the Spring, we will
plough it under and
plant seeds.

The landscape is stubble
shaved by the Reaper.
Plough it under and
plant seeds in the Spring.

I sit and watch as
the great wheel of the year turns
and the virus ploughs
a furrow through our lives and
the Reaper rests before the
Autumn and Winter harvest.

blue is the colour
and I must never name her.
She is an image,
imagined, a cloud, his wife,
and I am jealous green

to get up / show up
fight again - the same same day -
the grind - the spiral -
one more day without her and
one more day of empty grief

nature poetry,
lush with life and death, Autumn
and Spring - reflections

under a white duvet
of sky, an early autumn
landscape waits breathing,
leaves still green, soon will turn and
fall - new leaves will come - after

there is a tune which
whispers to me from a dream
and fades with the light

stars I cannot see
hidden by the daylight - dance
all I see is blue

get up and same same,
go through the routine, same same,
just keeping going

even though it hurts
one day at a time, and breathe,
day seventy-nine

to get over her
sixty days since I last tried
to message her and
I get by slowly slowly
one day at a time

cleanse my mind and write
disposable poetry
stir the mind mud with a
little anti-meditation

-- letting the mind spin free
spewing forth bile and hatred,
racism, homophobia and sexism.
All the thoughts I try to repress.
All the thoughts I have and hate.
But my mind is not me.
"You are not your thoughts"
let the wild mind run free
then draw a line. Breathe
and collect yourself.
Meditate.
The mind is wild
and cannot be controlled.
Let it spin occasionally to purge itself
of pain.
Let it spin and know your demons
then tell them to
FUCK OFF

I gave her my heart
but it turned up
in the lost and found.
I should collect it.

I visited lost and found

and asked after my heart but

the woman who worked there 

ignored me and I died just a little more

there were shelves and shelves
of broken hearts in the lost
property office she ran.
Mine was another and not
special.

my mind is whirring
and whirling, swirling, falling
and I feel helpless
I am Icarus burned
I see the sea below me

the mind has rain too
but I like the sunshine more
accept the weather

the early morning
light as the summer solstice
approaches - gold and
blue after the rain - after
the storm - after the dawn breaks

the darkness within
sometimes leaks out in my dreams -
violent nightmares

sometimes my yearning
for serenity - holds me -
and I swim in dreams

I miss her, that's all.
It seems so silly. My heart
aches. Just walk away.

my driftwood heart lies
washed up on the beach, a knarled
sun bleached thing - waiting

embroider your mind,
embellish it, garnish it,
with ideas and spice

embroider your mind
with a rainbow of love,
compassion and hope

embroider your mind;
stitch by careful stitch, with love,
compassion and hope

embroider your mind
with a rainbow and patch it
like a quilt with love

to want and desire
a person that in many
ways you do not like
and not to desire someone
that you know is good and kind

reason v desire
a horrible tangled web
yet I still want her

the settling mud
of my churning thoughts - I wait -
the clearing water
and the beginning of peace
descends upon my wild mind

little by little
chip away at the mountain
live in each moment

perfectionism -
little by little you learn
it is stifling

perfectionism
is not your friend - it weighs down
thoughts and happiness

Remember George Floyd.
They took his breath, then his life.
Take a knee and remember.

my life was filled with
fear, uncertainty and doubt
and I nearly drowned
I am learning to float, breathe,
swim amidst the shifting tides

salted with sorrow,
spiced with happiness,
a new day begins

embroidering life
with the threads of happiness
and tears - my patch quilt

when the sadness comes,
stay with it and hold its hand
until it is ready to walk away
with peace

stop touching the wound
or it will never heal - let
the scar tissue build -
love unreciprocated -
stop picking at the thoughts

bon voyage my friend
for I may never see you
again - I miss you

trolls hiding behind
their screens throwing bile - don't bite
and feed their ego

thinking of something to
write - I try too hard - empty
page and empty mind

the conversation
drifts to a halt, tomorrow
we will start again

sitting on the floor
cross legged, my back against
the wall, breathe, my mind
riots and flows with a stream
of thoughts and sometimes slows, as
the mud settles in the pool

here I am again,
the empty page before me,
maybe tomorrow

the birds are singing
and my window is open -
early morning peace

compared to the Earth,
to the solar system,
to the spiral arm,
to the galaxy,
to the galactic cluster,
to the galactic super-cluster,
I am so tiny,
a conscious speck amidst deep time,
(and deep time is from here
to the Victorian Age,
the Romans,
the Stone Age,
the first primates,
the dinosaurs,
the Cambrian,
single cell life,
Earth formation,
our Galaxy,
the early stars,
the Big Bang)
this now is so rare a thing
so precious beyond gold or diamonds

I breathe in star remnants,
Nitrogen, Oxygen and a touch
of Hydrogen (and others)
I am in awe

the solar system
a speck in the galaxy,
and the universe

little by little
two steps forward, one step back,
my self esteem life

I light the incense
and watch the smoke coil into
the air - life and death

no inspiration
so just plod and work and hope
tomorrow repeat

of course
everything is ultimately
impermanent.
Does that make
everything futile?

Perhaps in a sense.
Yet the journey,
always the journey

from supernova dust
to DNA dancing, (and life, life, life)

to the Heat Death of the Universe.

We each surf our
wave of now.

I float down the river backwards,
I see memory,
I glimpse the now,
and the future?

To me it is lost in a geography
of physics.
Fixed and unknowable
or something more strange,
the future is
an ellipsis.

the point of living
of course
is love
to me that seems obvious

yet
yet
yet I think too much
I'm Eeyore on his back
floating downstream

of course
everything is ultimately
futile
but that misses the point,
the point
of course
being love

travel to the beach
from the confines of your mind
close your eyes - enjoy

little by little
the morning rises - blue skies
and sunshine in Spring

the ingredients
of a peaceful life - focus
on simplicity

spice with a little chaos
to keep things interesting
look for balance
let go
be kind
enjoy friendships
love

let go, let her go,
let go, let go, let her go,
unrequited love

little by little,
glaciers move, day begins,
and life evolves - change

sometimes there are
earth quakes and
paradigm shifts
but mostly
drip
drip
drip
wearing away the mountain

life under lockdown
finding peace and quiet within
despite the virus

to go through the storm,
to undergo a sea change,
to find inside
compassion for myself,
to find inside
the sea and the beach
I can walk upon in peace,
to look out at the world
and at the stars
with sun washed eyes.
I did not die.
I clung to the raft
and with help survived.
I see the world now
through a lens of dappled ocean light, mostly.

there is only love
to save us from the abyss,
and hope, always hope.

from star dust we came
to star dust we will go - find
some love in between

stream of consciousness
flowing towards the ocean
to become diffuse

I saw you briefly -
my raft on the sea of dreams
then drifted away

shadows on the wall
memories of yesterday
burn away like dew

my week - a blank page
which I try to fill with some
imagination

the fifty-seven
stars, that help me navigate
my dreams, lost from sight

on my bed, my raft
on the sea of dreams, it breaks -
reality dawns

there is a silence
within, if we can find it,
between the heart beats

little by little
trying not to run through life -
grasping at the now

debt debt debt debt debt
money money money stress -
modern world pressures

entangled in the
brambles of thoughts of her, I
trip and fall again

the overcast day
bears down on me - the black dog
stirs and sleeps again

learning to let go
and trust and fall and be free -
to float in water

Muladhara - roots -
stability narratives -
grounded in stories

stroll through the blue sky
in your mind's eye - thoughts like clouds
come and go - and go

crazy stalker guy
is that who I am - I fear
the truth - I fear me

during the lockdown
the rhythms of sanity
disturbed yet clung to

roses are red
violets are blue
poems are just words
my sliced heart on a plate
or gently fricasseed soul afterbirth
or just random shit that crosses my mind

flying monkey words
the violation of trust
the hurt in her eyes

I fell in love with a picture of a cloud
So amorphous, beautiful and impossible.
I carried the picture with me for years
I carry it still.
I look at it now
and think how foolish
yet I cannot find closure.

The black dog is growling

this darkness will pass
this storm will fade to rainbows
yet I am afraid

feeling rejected and hurt -
acknowledge the feelings
but don't wallow
see them and let them go
let them in
don't fight them
don't entertain them

Wayne Shorter's Sax

music twists and peaks -
the diamonds on black velvet -
glistening rainbows

breathe in and regroup
breathe out and release - let go -
begin a new day

today
I woke up
meandered through internet stuff
and said Good Morning to the lovely Anna,
who is far away.
Meditated,
wrote a haiku,
watched incense smoke coil,
looked at the blue sky
Practiced the subtle art of letting go,
brushed my teeth,
let my stubble grow,
and had a shower.
I hummed My Favourite Things,
looked out of the window at the fresh green leaves,
thought about breakfast,
had breakfast,
put some laundry on,
and went for a run.
Listened to some music
(Norah and Anoushka playing
for the Centenary of their father
and Yo-Yo Ma playing Bach)
and then sat in the sun.

The lies of the West -
the protestant work ethic.
Give me peace and love.

I am not worthy
of your love, your every deed
says - I can't let go
though I know I should - that would
be the path of growth, sunlight

my delusion and
obsession you run on your
own path
my thoughts are my enemy
let go - let go
she is a hidden book

to respect her space -
I shall walk away with pain
and hope for healing

Pandemic lockdown
meditate and run - rhythms -
trying to stay safe

to write a first draft
and let the flying monkey
words be exorcised

Ithaca - my home
I long for you - I am adrift
The Siren sings - fear
and beauty wash over me
and I go mad with blood guilt

the sun sets and I
am released from the poison.
You are far away.
The olive tree bed we shared
holds you safe, and I see stars.

rise above and float
within your thoughts and being.
My mind drifts with clouds.

to feel the sunlight
on my face and water
slip through my fingers,
these are the things I dream of,
that bring me peace: simple things

to articulate
the small acts of kindness that
make life bearable
my mouth is full of pebbles,
stardust, atoms and quanta

between hope and death
a Planck length
a tiny infinity of space
a gesture, a recognition,
the separation of all of me
from all of you.
I am alive
I am gone
a nebulous constellation
Orion fills my mind
Betelgeuse explodes
and always tiny tiny
mistakes and love
and building silences
of peace and calm,
the resilience
fold upon fold.
There is nothing:
there is everything.
The formation
the haiku
the evolution
from kana to joy

to articulate
the small acts of kindness - watch
steam rise from coffee

I am a thrown stone
that clipped the waves - tumbling
down to the sea bed -
worn away by the shifting
water - I dream of flying

light a candle for
hope and for dreams - the incense
burns away like life

Orion circles
high above - the winter sky -
fires in the black vault

blue star burning in
the cold - the silence holds me -
dancing iris storm

blue stars burn bright and
fast yet they're so far away -
I am in the cold
lost I try to find balance
I fall and stand up - repeat

fighting the demons
in the mirror - I survived -
breathe in the blue sky

today I'm alive,
breathing and writing, despite
some anxiety

it may be that my
resilience is building -
I am still standing

waiting in the dark
for the dawn to come - patience -
quiet - meditative

procrastination
trying to fight the demons
inside myself - mirror

crawl - slowly towards
the finish line - full of pain -
little by little

send a love letter
to yourself with hugs and smiles
for when you need it

to find the balance
I breathe and let go of thought:
day by day stronger

self worth and the hoops
we force ourselves to jump through
I am the square peg